Words

Hey Ya'll!! There isn't anything I have in particular to talk about, but I felt the need to write. I have been feeling rushes to write lately. I haven't free written in a long time and I miss it. And now that I have time to write, I am stuck. I miss the days where I would write stories with my friends and we would plot it out so detailed and get so excited. Now everyone has lost interest and I'm alone on yet another thing. To be honest, I am a people person. Not in my city that much, but if I go anywhere else I want to be around people. I am honestly not independent like I wish I was. I get advice from other people on everything, down to where I should put my books in my locker. I am a people person and I can't write alone. That's the hard thing because I express myself through writing and others don't understand what I go through or what it was like during that party I write about. So I am stuck and find myself not wanting to go on the internet, or play games, or talk to people, I just want to write, yet I can't. So this is the only way I can write, even if it isn't the way I prefer. I write like I talk. I can imagine myself now ranting all of this to one of my friends. Most people don't know what it feels like to have that fresh relief of typing long sentences and paragraphs and not be writing for an essay. For your fingers to have a mind of their own and you don't even think of how you never took typing lessons, yet you still know where every key is on the keyboard. I miss the days where I would get to typing so fast, that I would start with a sentence and in 30 min. I would have a story done. There's so many things I miss. I miss my friends, yet they're right beside me, I miss the days where we would have 70 minutes in English to write anything and everything and listen to music while we laughed of the stories me and my friends would come up with. English is my favorite subject, no matter what we are doing. Even during the Romeo and Juliet unit, I loved it (even if they were idiots). Even during the 4 years of grammar, I found myself liking it because I was surrounded with words. My favorite things to do are listen to music, paint/draw, and write. I like music because it has words. I mainly only like painting/drawing if I am talking to someone, and I love writing because it is words, words, words. I would be lost without words. That's the main reason I include quotes at the end of my entries. I love words. I could talk all day, read all day, write all day, listen to people talk all day. And now I look back on what i've written and I just thought I wrote a few sentences, yet I wrote paragraphs. Anyway, well now you know what happens when I am deprived of writing, it comes out here.

Bi Ya'll

Exams

Hey Ya'll!! So I haven't had much happen in the past few weeks. Well actually that is a complete lie. I have been struggling and feeling like I want to cry every night for no reason, but I feel like things are looking up. I have exams coming up, tomorrow actually, and I am not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I should be studying for English (my first exam) but the thing is: I don't care about Romeo and Juliet. They were idiots and got married after knowing each other for what? 3 days? Then somehow knew they were soul-mates and killed themselves because they couldnt live without each other. WHAT EVEN IS LIFE??? I know you are probably like, "Dang this girl is depressing and doesn't believe in true love" But how could I when have never been in love, never even have had a serious crush. My life is sad and I still think Romeo and Juliet were stupid, so there. The next exam is Science. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Science. What a stupid thing. I get how Science is very important and explains all of the things in life but really? When am I ever going to need to know how an atom becomes positively or negatively charged? Like am I going to be sitting at home, eating dinner or something and think, "Oh wow I wonder if these rice atoms are positively or negatively charged?" NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh and History. History History History. When am I EVER going to need to know who the leader of a civilization in India from 6,000 years ago was? Oh wait, I won't! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO done with school. But after that is the holidays!!!!! My FAVORITE time of the year. Everything is just happy. I could only dream of having it snow a lot or even just snow. It NEVER snows in Nashville. If anything, we get ice. So for everyone in Colorado and those other states who complains about snow (fluffy, inviting, happy, lush, snow), think of us in Nashville with our black ice, bruised butts, and sprained wrists from the stupid tricks of winter. Literally, if you ever watch the weather for our area, there is snow all around us, but never actually here. You see this intense wall of icy weather on the radar coming straight for us and NOPE it dissipates once it gets to us. Just turns to rain. Frickin freezing rain. Pray for us please. After Christmas though, I am going with my family on a cruise around Mexico and Central America. I am so excited. Especially since I just went shopping for Summer clothes and got so much stuff. I still don't have winter clothes though...  Anyway, I hope everyone is as happy as I am right now and has a great week!!!

Bi Ya'll!!

Drowning

Hey Ya'll!! So I haven't written on this blog in about seven months, but I wanted to talk about something that has been in my mind and heart for too long. I wanted to talk about inspiration, family, future, and more. Many people look online or in books to find inspirational quotes to make them feel like they are prepared for the future. It makes them feel like if something bad happens, they will be able to get back on their feet. Sometimes you do get back on your feet. Sometimes you don't. Nothing and no one can prepare you for this. I personally wasn't prepared when I fell from normality. Many people (me included) think that they will never be one of those people, that they will never have that family that has a huge problem that stays inside the house. For example, some people's parents get divorced, and no one can prepare them for that. In my case, one of my loved ones developed an eating disorder. I had seen the signs months before he/she was diagnosed, but I kept thinking, "This could never happen to us, we are just a normal family." But when it did, everything for me collapsed. My loved one turned into someone I didn't know. It was like he/she was possessed by the eating disorder, and it said and did everything for her/him. It scared me. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, causing me to "drown". You don't know the feeling till it hits you, full force, taking everything away from you. For months I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like if I took too big of a breath or too quick of a breath that the tears would come again in full force exposing my happy act to everyone and everything. I felt like my lungs were collapsed and two sizes smaller from all of the strangled crying in my bedroom. The biggest thing anyone could know about me is that if someone I love falls or is struggling around me, I fall and struggle too. It's a blessing and a curse, but either way its a part of me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that keeping feelings inside can kill you. Even if you just confide in a journal it's better than being alone. If I had had one person to be there for me and hug me when I needed it, I would have probably not "drowned". Be the best you can be to your friends so when you need them they will be there for you. Mine weren't.








Bi Ya'll!

Just some random junk

Hey Ya'll!! So I don't have much to say, but some of my tv shows came back these past few weeks and I am so excited. Some of them are really really good that have literally made me jump up and start dancing they made me so happy. I am not a good dancer, at all, so my family was very disturbed when I had my happiness streak. Anyway, I have a violin lesson tomorrow at this church I've never been to, and I don't necessarily want to go, but I know I have to, so that sucks. I am not going to go into detail, but just remember to always be the best friend you can be to someone. You can't get anywhere by being a jerk, but you can go incredibly far if you are loyal and kind, trust me. so hi, umm I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I don't know why I am so happy and hyper, but I am and I really feel like talking. I feel like laughing but there is nothing hear to make me laugh and all my family is asleep. Now that I think of it I want to talk and I want a hug. Yes I can hug my gigantic stuffed dogs, but they aren't warm and can't hug back, so I am out of luck. I probably need to finish my homework, so I will get on with it and continue my night without my talk and hug.

Bi Ya'll!!

Hey Hey Hey

Hey Ya'll!! So I haven't blogged in like 1- 1 1/2 months, and i'm sorry. I haven't had anything to blog about, or that i could blog about (I obviously can't share my friends' problems and fights when I don't have their permission. None of my friends know I have a blog so yeah) Anyway I went to this dinner/ book discussion tonight and it was good. I had the option to read this book over winter break and I decided to. The girls in my school that also participated came to our brothering school and talked to them about the book. Yeah well I had some pasta and that was good. My main lesson for today is you have to love. I know most people hear this all the time, but without love, you can't go anywhere. Trust me, I know. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, or the day after that, so you have to live every day like you were going to die that day. No I'm not saying go skydiving every day. Whenever I drive to my grandparents house, we always pass this one abandoned billboard on the side of the road. It says: "If you were to die today, where you you spend eternity?" This pretty much means if you died today how would you be remembered? You have to make a loving, kind, thoughtful mark of who you are wherever you go. You want to be the one when someone brings you up in a conversation the other person says, "Oh yeah she/he's a great person, fun to be around." I haven't been living like this for a long time and I now realized what I missed out on. Please do yourself a favor and love others, be kind to others and make your mark on life.

Bi YA'LL!

Life is complicated

Hey Ya'll! So First, I just want to say the world is really messed up. One of the reasons is because I had to get an account off of this website for school and it had an option for you age from 1900 to 2050. How could you be born in 2050 and be making an account, I mean what the heck is wrong with these people? Anyway, I haven't blogged in a long time because 1. Nothing too interesting has happened 2. I have been second guessing a lot of the things I have done. It might seem like a small thing but you only know they pain and uncomfortable feeling until you start realizing you have done everything wrong. I have made the wrong friends, who downsize me and belittle me with words that cut deep. I have changed as a person,and that might seem like a great thing for people that are reading this, but the pain comes from the knowing. The knowing that I changed because a school changed me. A private all-girls school changed me and it hurts to know that I wasn't strong enough to change by myself. I know the kind of people I feel comfortable around and would make great friends, and There aren't any of those people at my school. I have been thinking a lot and nothing hit me harder till I was listening to a sad song and realized it explained my whole situation. My "friends" like the idea of a friend group. there are many friend groups in the grade, but I got pulled into one, I would love to be out of. There is nothing more I hate in the world, nothing, than to be limited. Having a friend group makes me feel limited. I am always around them and I need variety. I need space and they can't give me that. I don't like hanging out with the same people every single day, every break in the day. But I am stuck with them, so oh well. Your lesson for today is to find your people and never settle with them till you are absolutely sure. Find who you are.

Bi Ya'll!!