Well

Hey y'all!! Well it's official! I have been diagnosed with depression. I have expected it for a while but I have officially been diagnosed. But I have yet to do anything about it. I have tried therapy before but it only made me feel weird and guilty in a way and more unloved, i guess. I really honestly just want some medication to fill me with artificial happiness. That would be the easy way out of this whole dilemma. But I dont have that so i am just kind of sitting alone suffering and listening to music (which is affecting my hearing...). I honestly dont know why I'm writing this post. I guess it's just cause I need to tell someone. I havent told my best friend about any of this. I haven't really told anyone, except my mother who said it was just hormone imbalances. That hurt beyond belief that she would rather blame science than actually noticing that her daughter is suffering in isolation. But anyway that's me, telling my mental struggles to absolute strangers. Wow this is so lame. Well besides that, it's good to be back in my little virtual world, since I don't think I've blogged in like 6 months. Well hi, i hope all is well with everyone else.

Goodbye

Hey

Hey Ya'll!! So I think it's really weird cause based on my stats on my blogger dashboard, people have actually been reading my posts. This just seems weird to me cause I first created this blog to vent and rant about my feelings to no one really, but apparently people have actually read my posts. Strange. Anyway I am stressed to the absolute maximum because exams are approaching and directly after that, I go on a trip to China with some of my classmates. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I am going to a new school next year and I am counting down the days till I don't have to wear this preppy all-girls school uniform anymore. I can't wait to be out of the private school bubble which is filled with over-achievers and idiots. Seriously, though, people who get upset over getting a 90 need to get a grip on their life. And these exams are ridiculous. Last time I checked, ancient history has absolutely nothing to do with me. Like, what's gonna happen in the future? I eat one grain of rice and then I'm magically successful 'cause Qin Shihuangdi lived in China and probably ate rice and he was successful? Does anyone realize how irrelevant all of this is? And honestly, these math application problems aren't application problems. These problems are ridiculously irrelevant. When am I going to  need to know how to measure a shoe lace using Algebra? If I was that interested I would unlace the shoe string and measure it with a yard stick. I'm so done with school. Everyone says it gets better as you get older. They're lying, don't listen to them, this is hell. I can't wait for the days where I can go outside and actually enjoy my freetime and not have to worry about that test on Chinese Grammar. JK I never worry about those tests, cause our teacher will count off 1 point if you get 5 questions wrong. The fantastic bonus of having a caring Chinese teacher. Anyway I hope you people, whoever you are are succeeding more than I am right now.

Bi Ya'll!!

Music

Hey Ya'll!! So times haven't been the happiest for me lately but I have made it by with my music. Music has always been and will probably always be my drug, recovery, sedative, etc. My favorite artist right now is Banks. My favorite songs from her are Beggin for Thread, Drowning, Change, You Should Know Where I'm Coming From, Waiting Game, and Brain. I also have found a liking for Kelly Clarkson's "You Can't Win", "Honestly", "The War is Over", and "Don't Be a Girl About it". There isn't really anything to say other than, no matter how hard it gets don't turn to the bad stuff. You know what I'm talking about. The drugs, the alcohol, the cigarettes. Trust me I've thought about it, thought about it a lot, but the thing is, damaging your body will not heal your heart or brain. That's why I turn to music. Listening to artists pour their hearts into every word that spills out of their mouths is inspiring. Knowing that there is someone out there that knows exactly how you feel is reassuring. When artists sing about exactly how you are feeling, down to the note, it is like a blanket when you are stuck in ice. It is one step closer to felling better. There are certain songs that hearing them, will bring me to tears. It doesn't matter how happy I am. Like "Travelin' On" by Norah Jones
. To anyone else, this is just another song. But to me it is everything. That was the song right before finale in the dance concert I participated in. It was a gorgeous duet and I remember staring at one of the girls when she was in her ending pose. I was in the wings ready for the next dance, and I will never forget the look on her face. That was the last year she would be doing dance and in that last pose I remember seeing two tears fall down her face. That's the feeling of what it is like to be in a family where you are supported one and always. When you leave, it hurts. Whenever I hear that song I cry, it is an automatic trigger. That's what music is. It's a flood of memories and emotions that no one can control. So just remember that music is the best drug, the best toxin, the best breath you will ever take.

Bi Ya'll!!

Changes

Hey Ya'll!! So I am going to a different school next year and I am currently kinda freaking out. Majority of my friends are going to different schools too. I am splitting away from the friends I have had for years. I am just kind of terrified because as much as people say we will keep in touch. I have a feeling we won't. I know this all sounds stupid but I am going to a new place without people I know and it's like being shipped off to another country. You know it's coming but all you can do is sit back and wait. I keep on trying to make the most of my last year but all i can think of is being separated from all the friends I have. Anyway I just have nothing to say. There's just too much change all at once. My insomnia is getting worse and I can't focus in class anymore. To add to that, there's a lot of things adding on top of each other in my family. Just can't escape.

If you want more quotes find me on Pinterest. Bi Ya'll!!

Words

Hey Ya'll!! There isn't anything I have in particular to talk about, but I felt the need to write. I have been feeling rushes to write lately. I haven't free written in a long time and I miss it. And now that I have time to write, I am stuck. I miss the days where I would write stories with my friends and we would plot it out so detailed and get so excited. Now everyone has lost interest and I'm alone on yet another thing. To be honest, I am a people person. Not in my city that much, but if I go anywhere else I want to be around people. I am honestly not independent like I wish I was. I get advice from other people on everything, down to where I should put my books in my locker. I am a people person and I can't write alone. That's the hard thing because I express myself through writing and others don't understand what I go through or what it was like during that party I write about. So I am stuck and find myself not wanting to go on the internet, or play games, or talk to people, I just want to write, yet I can't. So this is the only way I can write, even if it isn't the way I prefer. I write like I talk. I can imagine myself now ranting all of this to one of my friends. Most people don't know what it feels like to have that fresh relief of typing long sentences and paragraphs and not be writing for an essay. For your fingers to have a mind of their own and you don't even think of how you never took typing lessons, yet you still know where every key is on the keyboard. I miss the days where I would get to typing so fast, that I would start with a sentence and in 30 min. I would have a story done. There's so many things I miss. I miss my friends, yet they're right beside me, I miss the days where we would have 70 minutes in English to write anything and everything and listen to music while we laughed of the stories me and my friends would come up with. English is my favorite subject, no matter what we are doing. Even during the Romeo and Juliet unit, I loved it (even if they were idiots). Even during the 4 years of grammar, I found myself liking it because I was surrounded with words. My favorite things to do are listen to music, paint/draw, and write. I like music because it has words. I mainly only like painting/drawing if I am talking to someone, and I love writing because it is words, words, words. I would be lost without words. That's the main reason I include quotes at the end of my entries. I love words. I could talk all day, read all day, write all day, listen to people talk all day. And now I look back on what i've written and I just thought I wrote a few sentences, yet I wrote paragraphs. Anyway, well now you know what happens when I am deprived of writing, it comes out here.

Bi Ya'll

Exams

Hey Ya'll!! So I haven't had much happen in the past few weeks. Well actually that is a complete lie. I have been struggling and feeling like I want to cry every night for no reason, but I feel like things are looking up. I have exams coming up, tomorrow actually, and I am not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I should be studying for English (my first exam) but the thing is: I don't care about Romeo and Juliet. They were idiots and got married after knowing each other for what? 3 days? Then somehow knew they were soul-mates and killed themselves because they couldnt live without each other. WHAT EVEN IS LIFE??? I know you are probably like, "Dang this girl is depressing and doesn't believe in true love" But how could I when have never been in love, never even have had a serious crush. My life is sad and I still think Romeo and Juliet were stupid, so there. The next exam is Science. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Science. What a stupid thing. I get how Science is very important and explains all of the things in life but really? When am I ever going to need to know how an atom becomes positively or negatively charged? Like am I going to be sitting at home, eating dinner or something and think, "Oh wow I wonder if these rice atoms are positively or negatively charged?" NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh and History. History History History. When am I EVER going to need to know who the leader of a civilization in India from 6,000 years ago was? Oh wait, I won't! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO done with school. But after that is the holidays!!!!! My FAVORITE time of the year. Everything is just happy. I could only dream of having it snow a lot or even just snow. It NEVER snows in Nashville. If anything, we get ice. So for everyone in Colorado and those other states who complains about snow (fluffy, inviting, happy, lush, snow), think of us in Nashville with our black ice, bruised butts, and sprained wrists from the stupid tricks of winter. Literally, if you ever watch the weather for our area, there is snow all around us, but never actually here. You see this intense wall of icy weather on the radar coming straight for us and NOPE it dissipates once it gets to us. Just turns to rain. Frickin freezing rain. Pray for us please. After Christmas though, I am going with my family on a cruise around Mexico and Central America. I am so excited. Especially since I just went shopping for Summer clothes and got so much stuff. I still don't have winter clothes though...  Anyway, I hope everyone is as happy as I am right now and has a great week!!!

Bi Ya'll!!