Music

Hey Ya'll!! So times haven't been the happiest for me lately but I have made it by with my music. Music has always been and will probably always be my drug, recovery, sedative, etc. My favorite artist right now is Banks. My favorite songs from her are Beggin for Thread, Drowning, Change, You Should Know Where I'm Coming From, Waiting Game, and Brain. I also have found a liking for Kelly Clarkson's "You Can't Win", "Honestly", "The War is Over", and "Don't Be a Girl About it". There isn't really anything to say other than, no matter how hard it gets don't turn to the bad stuff. You know what I'm talking about. The drugs, the alcohol, the cigarettes. Trust me I've thought about it, thought about it a lot, but the thing is, damaging your body will not heal your heart or brain. That's why I turn to music. Listening to artists pour their hearts into every word that spills out of their mouths is inspiring. Knowing that there is someone out there that knows exactly how you feel is reassuring. When artists sing about exactly how you are feeling, down to the note, it is like a blanket when you are stuck in ice. It is one step closer to felling better. There are certain songs that hearing them, will bring me to tears. It doesn't matter how happy I am. Like "Travelin' On" by Norah Jones
. To anyone else, this is just another song. But to me it is everything. That was the song right before finale in the dance concert I participated in. It was a gorgeous duet and I remember staring at one of the girls when she was in her ending pose. I was in the wings ready for the next dance, and I will never forget the look on her face. That was the last year she would be doing dance and in that last pose I remember seeing two tears fall down her face. That's the feeling of what it is like to be in a family where you are supported one and always. When you leave, it hurts. Whenever I hear that song I cry, it is an automatic trigger. That's what music is. It's a flood of memories and emotions that no one can control. So just remember that music is the best drug, the best toxin, the best breath you will ever take.

Bi Ya'll!!

Changes

Hey Ya'll!! So I am going to a different school next year and I am currently kinda freaking out. Majority of my friends are going to different schools too. I am splitting away from the friends I have had for years. I am just kind of terrified because as much as people say we will keep in touch. I have a feeling we won't. I know this all sounds stupid but I am going to a new place without people I know and it's like being shipped off to another country. You know it's coming but all you can do is sit back and wait. I keep on trying to make the most of my last year but all i can think of is being separated from all the friends I have. Anyway I just have nothing to say. There's just too much change all at once. My insomnia is getting worse and I can't focus in class anymore. To add to that, there's a lot of things adding on top of each other in my family. Just can't escape.

If you want more quotes find me on Pinterest. Bi Ya'll!!

Words

Hey Ya'll!! There isn't anything I have in particular to talk about, but I felt the need to write. I have been feeling rushes to write lately. I haven't free written in a long time and I miss it. And now that I have time to write, I am stuck. I miss the days where I would write stories with my friends and we would plot it out so detailed and get so excited. Now everyone has lost interest and I'm alone on yet another thing. To be honest, I am a people person. Not in my city that much, but if I go anywhere else I want to be around people. I am honestly not independent like I wish I was. I get advice from other people on everything, down to where I should put my books in my locker. I am a people person and I can't write alone. That's the hard thing because I express myself through writing and others don't understand what I go through or what it was like during that party I write about. So I am stuck and find myself not wanting to go on the internet, or play games, or talk to people, I just want to write, yet I can't. So this is the only way I can write, even if it isn't the way I prefer. I write like I talk. I can imagine myself now ranting all of this to one of my friends. Most people don't know what it feels like to have that fresh relief of typing long sentences and paragraphs and not be writing for an essay. For your fingers to have a mind of their own and you don't even think of how you never took typing lessons, yet you still know where every key is on the keyboard. I miss the days where I would get to typing so fast, that I would start with a sentence and in 30 min. I would have a story done. There's so many things I miss. I miss my friends, yet they're right beside me, I miss the days where we would have 70 minutes in English to write anything and everything and listen to music while we laughed of the stories me and my friends would come up with. English is my favorite subject, no matter what we are doing. Even during the Romeo and Juliet unit, I loved it (even if they were idiots). Even during the 4 years of grammar, I found myself liking it because I was surrounded with words. My favorite things to do are listen to music, paint/draw, and write. I like music because it has words. I mainly only like painting/drawing if I am talking to someone, and I love writing because it is words, words, words. I would be lost without words. That's the main reason I include quotes at the end of my entries. I love words. I could talk all day, read all day, write all day, listen to people talk all day. And now I look back on what i've written and I just thought I wrote a few sentences, yet I wrote paragraphs. Anyway, well now you know what happens when I am deprived of writing, it comes out here.

Bi Ya'll

Exams

Hey Ya'll!! So I haven't had much happen in the past few weeks. Well actually that is a complete lie. I have been struggling and feeling like I want to cry every night for no reason, but I feel like things are looking up. I have exams coming up, tomorrow actually, and I am not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I should be studying for English (my first exam) but the thing is: I don't care about Romeo and Juliet. They were idiots and got married after knowing each other for what? 3 days? Then somehow knew they were soul-mates and killed themselves because they couldnt live without each other. WHAT EVEN IS LIFE??? I know you are probably like, "Dang this girl is depressing and doesn't believe in true love" But how could I when have never been in love, never even have had a serious crush. My life is sad and I still think Romeo and Juliet were stupid, so there. The next exam is Science. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Science. What a stupid thing. I get how Science is very important and explains all of the things in life but really? When am I ever going to need to know how an atom becomes positively or negatively charged? Like am I going to be sitting at home, eating dinner or something and think, "Oh wow I wonder if these rice atoms are positively or negatively charged?" NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh and History. History History History. When am I EVER going to need to know who the leader of a civilization in India from 6,000 years ago was? Oh wait, I won't! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO done with school. But after that is the holidays!!!!! My FAVORITE time of the year. Everything is just happy. I could only dream of having it snow a lot or even just snow. It NEVER snows in Nashville. If anything, we get ice. So for everyone in Colorado and those other states who complains about snow (fluffy, inviting, happy, lush, snow), think of us in Nashville with our black ice, bruised butts, and sprained wrists from the stupid tricks of winter. Literally, if you ever watch the weather for our area, there is snow all around us, but never actually here. You see this intense wall of icy weather on the radar coming straight for us and NOPE it dissipates once it gets to us. Just turns to rain. Frickin freezing rain. Pray for us please. After Christmas though, I am going with my family on a cruise around Mexico and Central America. I am so excited. Especially since I just went shopping for Summer clothes and got so much stuff. I still don't have winter clothes though...  Anyway, I hope everyone is as happy as I am right now and has a great week!!!

Bi Ya'll!!

Drowning

Hey Ya'll!! So I haven't written on this blog in about seven months, but I wanted to talk about something that has been in my mind and heart for too long. I wanted to talk about inspiration, family, future, and more. Many people look online or in books to find inspirational quotes to make them feel like they are prepared for the future. It makes them feel like if something bad happens, they will be able to get back on their feet. Sometimes you do get back on your feet. Sometimes you don't. Nothing and no one can prepare you for this. I personally wasn't prepared when I fell from normality. Many people (me included) think that they will never be one of those people, that they will never have that family that has a huge problem that stays inside the house. For example, some people's parents get divorced, and no one can prepare them for that. In my case, one of my loved ones developed an eating disorder. I had seen the signs months before he/she was diagnosed, but I kept thinking, "This could never happen to us, we are just a normal family." But when it did, everything for me collapsed. My loved one turned into someone I didn't know. It was like he/she was possessed by the eating disorder, and it said and did everything for her/him. It scared me. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, causing me to "drown". You don't know the feeling till it hits you, full force, taking everything away from you. For months I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like if I took too big of a breath or too quick of a breath that the tears would come again in full force exposing my happy act to everyone and everything. I felt like my lungs were collapsed and two sizes smaller from all of the strangled crying in my bedroom. The biggest thing anyone could know about me is that if someone I love falls or is struggling around me, I fall and struggle too. It's a blessing and a curse, but either way its a part of me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that keeping feelings inside can kill you. Even if you just confide in a journal it's better than being alone. If I had had one person to be there for me and hug me when I needed it, I would have probably not "drowned". Be the best you can be to your friends so when you need them they will be there for you. Mine weren't.








Bi Ya'll!

Just some random junk

Hey Ya'll!! So I don't have much to say, but some of my tv shows came back these past few weeks and I am so excited. Some of them are really really good that have literally made me jump up and start dancing they made me so happy. I am not a good dancer, at all, so my family was very disturbed when I had my happiness streak. Anyway, I have a violin lesson tomorrow at this church I've never been to, and I don't necessarily want to go, but I know I have to, so that sucks. I am not going to go into detail, but just remember to always be the best friend you can be to someone. You can't get anywhere by being a jerk, but you can go incredibly far if you are loyal and kind, trust me. so hi, umm I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I don't know why I am so happy and hyper, but I am and I really feel like talking. I feel like laughing but there is nothing hear to make me laugh and all my family is asleep. Now that I think of it I want to talk and I want a hug. Yes I can hug my gigantic stuffed dogs, but they aren't warm and can't hug back, so I am out of luck. I probably need to finish my homework, so I will get on with it and continue my night without my talk and hug.

Bi Ya'll!!